Advice for Spitzer

March 12, 2008
11:30 a.m.

Oh man! Here I am coming out of self imposed retirement to handle this public relations mess for Governor Spitzer.

(As I write, he's scheduled for an announcement. They anticipate him to announce his resignation.)

Take a cue from some masterful politicians. From those who have walked this road before.

Do not resign. You don't have to. That's the beauty of elected office. Make them recall you or prosecute you. It will be extremely time consuming. The public has a short attention span and will be distracted by the next scandal.

1. Don't say anything! No more news conferences. (Detroit Police Chief Bully-Cummings just left the press hanging for an hour and a half after an announced press conference. Then she sent someone out to say there had been a mistake and there would be no press conference.)

2. Do not resign! It worked for Larry Craig.

3. If the press gets out of hand, shouting questions, get State Troopers in riot gear to move them back. Arrest a few of them. They will get the idea and back off.

4. Give the repentance speech. You know..."Who among us has not sinned and had the occasional hooker?" Bill Clinton's speech was absolutely masterful but vastly under reported. Perhaps that could be plagiarized. What's Bill going to do? Say, "Hey! That's the same speech I gave after I jized all over Monica's dress!"

5. When all else fails, tell everyone to "Go fuck themselves!" Cheney did.

6. Use personal references. David Vitter had that lovely reference from a professional woman who was unrelated to the DC Madam. Spitzer too, has been fortunate enough to have another prostitute stand up for his "clean" habits and generous history for tipping. This is a wonderful reference. Use them!

7. Fixing this mess up with your wife and kids? You're on your own, buddy.

No charge for the first consultation.