White Sox Blow Up Doll Ritual Doesn't Work. They're Still Losers

OVERBLOWN? PERHAPS THE DOLLS, BUT NOT THE STORY.

(White Sox Manager, Ozzie Guillen)

The Chicago White Sox baseball team was in a slump. After an 0-6 road trip, Sox management needed something special to break the cycle.

Athletic motivation is a whole science and industry unto itself. There are Psychologists and motivational professionals who specialize in working with athletes to help them focus, excel, and perform at ever higher levels.

White Sox management, no stranger to the latest methodology in sports management and wanting only the best for the team's emotional and psychological well being, brought in BLOW UP DOLLS. (Actually, speculation is that they were brought in by one of the players.) That still does not excuse any of the behavior that followed.

That's right. FEMALE BLOW UP DOLLS. Two of them, to be exact. The dolls were placed in the Rogers Centre visitors' locker room surrounded by bats, before last Sunday' home game. Using the bats on the dolls was supposed to break the offensive batting jinx. I know that you might be a little shocked right now, but try to bear with the story for the sake of learning about athletic management, male bonding, and team inspiration.

While there is not yet a manual on exactly how to "use" a bat against a woman, the White Sox are working on it.

One bat was reportedly shoved up the backside of one doll in order to prop it up. The other was adorned with a sign reading, "You've got to push!"

Just as shocking as the incident, is the reaction from the team's Manager, Ozzie Guillen, who has pointed out that he will not apologize. He is quoted in the Chicago Sun-Times as saying:

"It was blown out of proportion," Guillen said. "Baseball's changed a lot. They used to say, ‘Whatever happens in the clubhouse stays in the clubhouse.'

"We weren't trying to disrespect anybody or hurt anybody. We were just trying to have fun. A lot of people took it the wrong way."

Yeah, the wrong way. If you shove a bat up a woman's ass, while beating her with another bat, some people could take that the wrong way. They were just trying to have fun?

Sports writers and talk show hosts have also felt the need to defend the team's actions. Bert Blyleven thinks that the media should have more respect for team privacy. Bert says:

"There used to be a saying in each clubhouse. It says, 'What you say here, what you hear here, when you leave here, that it stays here,'" Blyleven said. "It's a shame that doesn't happen anymore."

See? It's just a fucking shame that anyone would find anything wrong with this. I'm fucking ashamed of my own fucking self for even bringing this up. Now I feel stupid and small. WTF is wrong with me?

Now. Let me give this the diversity test.

1. What if we tried to raise morale by beating around a Latino doll?

2. A Mathew Shephard likeness?

3. An African-American doll?

4. Animal blow-ups, anyone?

5. Likenesses of small children?

Why in the fuck is it ok to violate and beat a likeness of a woman? How is that good for team spirit and moral? What makes this acceptable in a work environment? Did not one man object? Not one?

White Sox General Manager Kenny Williams see it a little differently:

"I don't view this as a boys being boys-type issue," he said. "I view this as boys being a little bit careless and a little bit irresponsible."

And, except for that little bit of a sorry excuse, a totally lame apology from management, I don't see one man speaking out about this?

I gave up on men a long time ago, but I do hope that the men and women who are defending these actions (yes, there are some women) will come to their senses. The fans need to take this team to task on this one. If not the fans, then the city. They play, after all, in a taxpayer subsidized stadium.

Oh, BTW, after the blow up doll ritual, they still lost to the Blue Jays, 1-0. Maybe next time they could fuck the doll a little harder, or beat her more soundly. Gang rape and bludgeoning, done correctly, as everyone knows, will usually remove a batting jinx.



There was another little bit that I picked up on. In defense of this, someone stated that the dolls were not labeled, or made to have any one's likeness. That's too obvious. I'm going to bet that they had in mind a woman sports reporter, or two. We'll see.

------------------------